Hot Tip

A poker variation contributed by Courtney Crowley

Warning: this game makes extensive use of sexual language which some readers may find offensive.
If this bothers you, please do not read on.

How to set up/deal:

For up to four players use one standard 52-card deck with two jokers. For more than four players, use two decks of cards. Leave the Jokers in the deck! These are used as Jacks. Each player is dealt six cards, face down, and a seventh individual card, also face down. The seventh card is the player's "head card". Without looking at it, lick the back of the head card, and stick it to your forehead.

Before looking at your 6-card hand, survey your opponents' head cards. If any player has a Jack or Joker on their forehead, they must be "jacked off". This means that the player with the Jack/Joker is slapped by every member of the group, at which point the dealer flips the first wild card. Dealer flips one wild card for each player who has been jacked off. There is NEVER more than one wild card at a time. Each new wild card nullifies the one before it. Jacks and Jokers CANNOT be wild. If any of these is flipped as the wild, flip a new card. The wild card on the table is NOT part of your hand. [Example: If the dealer flips a four of diamonds, and you have a four of spades in your hand, the four of spades can be any other card you wish. It can also be used as a four of spades, if wished.]

At this point, all players look at their 6-card hands. If, AT ANY POINT, a player finds him/herself with a King AND Queen together in their 6-card hand, they must be "fucked". They turn their king and queen in to the dealer, getting one "baby" card in return. This card is dealt face down. A player may be fucked up to two times in any game. Beyond that, you may keep your King and Queen, as being fucked more than twice would leave you with fewer than five cards.

Drawing and Betting

Each player can exchange three or fewer cards, up to two times. (Alternatively, you can play with any form of exchanging you would like. Example: one exchange only, or two or nothing. Get creative!) A round of betting occurs before the first exchange, between the exchanges and after the final exchange. If the deck runs out during exchanges, shuffle the discarded cards and use those.

If you would like to change the wild card AT ANY POINT IN THE GAME, you can do so by "jacking off" if you hold a jack or joker. To jack off, you must claim your Jack/Joker by placing it face-up on the table. This card is still part of your hand, but must remain face-up on the table, and cannot be exchanged once it has been claimed. Once the card is face-up on the table (and this next part is totally optional) you use the traditional jack-off gesture. The dealer (or whoever is closest to you) then slaps you in the face, and flips a new wild card. Jacking off is not required, though. Only do so if you are unhappy with the wild card.

Once all players are done exchanging, jacking off, and being fucked, final bets are placed.

Showdown

Now, players can look at their head cards, and choose the best 5-card hand within their remaining cards. Rules of fucking DO NOT apply to the head card. [Example: if a player finds that their head card is a king, and they had a queen in their hand, they may use these cards together.] However, if at this point a player is found to have a king and a queen in their 6-card hand without having been fucked, they are immediately disqualified.

Jokers are used as Jacks, but are not wild, and cannot be used to complete a flush. Aces are high by default, unless otherwise called at the beginning of the game.

Also, remember: hands consist of just five cards. If you have three pair in your hand, choose your two highest. Two sets of three of a kind must be played as a full house. Five of a kind beats every other hand. Also, a hand that is naturally occurring will always beat the same hand that is created with a wild card, and a hand with more wild cards beats an otherwise identical hand using fewer wild cards.

The player who ends the game with the best 5-card hand wins the pot, and a new game is dealt.